Letting go.


At some point in our lives we have suffered at the actions of another. These actions have left us jaded and guarded and we feel that our only recourse is to lock ourselves in a little box and throw away the key. What we fail to realize is that by locking out the bad...we also shut out the good and sentence ourselves to a life of solitude. We remain intact and whole, but suffer deeply from the loss of human interaction and care. I learned this lesson the hard way and found I had literally starved myself of the affection and attention I was so terrified of. I realized that breathing life back into myself wasn't necessarily the job of someone else. So I decided to venture past the fear and pain in the hopes of finding new meaning to life....
I learned that holding onto the past holds you in the past. It was amazing to me that I had asked myself a million questions regarding my most recent divorce. All but the most pertinent one. A question so simple, I couldn't believe that I had over looked it. "What had he done for me?" Sure, there were good times and laughs, but in the end, what did he truly give me that made me a better person. Astounded, I couldn't think of anything. All of the pain and hope that I had seemed to melt away. As did the regret and wonder of what I could have done. He was gone, and it was time to close that door completely.  Things began to change, when a day last week I was looking in my scrapbooking box, I came across a picture of us I had made to frame. I was able to smile, and keep sifting through the stickers and paper to find what I was looking for. In that moment, I realized that this one question had been the salvation I sought and what I needed to fully let go and move on. It was a tremendous feeling. By closing this door.. I felt so many others had opened, even though I might not have seen them yet. I finally felt like I had freed myself from the last remaining chain that held me bound to him.

I decided to try something new and finally gave in to my mother teaching me how to quilt. I had been intimidated for a very long time by the sewing machine. the complexity of the beautiful things she would make, and my own ability. We went on one of our Friday outings and I gave in to her and decided to try it. Graciously, my mom gave me one of her older sewing machines, bought me rulers and tools, gave me material, and has pretty much been there every step of the way. I have been in awe of the things I have made and enjoyed the additional time that this has opened with my mom.  I think she was worried that all her books and material would disappear if something happened to her.... I think my interest has changed all that now. I find so much comfort in the creations I make, the time I send and lose track of frequently. The only way I can describe the feeling I get is.. peaceful.